i don't know what to do. i feel so lonely and secluded. part of me wants someone to hold me close and soothe me. the other wants to be left alone to die.

my mind's wandering over everything. i'm feeling the deepest regret and i can't help but thinking i'm just playing along to something i shouldn't. like i'm kidding someone as much as they're kidding me. and that's not how it works. i don't know whether i should continue carrying on with this and delude myself that everything is okay, (but it isn't. not in the slightest) or sever every tie, every contact, cut myself off completely and wallow in a pit of loneliness, despair, and mistrust all my life.

if you're reading this, i thank you.

and if you know what i'm on about, i'm sorry i can't say this to your face. because i am a coward. i can't say no to your face without you giving me a despairing look, drowning me in your problems as opposed to my own. i can't admit to everything you do that hurts me. not here, not to your face.

i am sorry.

i just don't see the point of living like this. crying every time i think of you. panic attacks. paranoia. checking cupboards and curtains, assuming you're there. maybe these feelings are for real, maybe it's just separation anxiety. i usually feel angst and anger when we're away from each other for more than a few days. i can't say i haven't felt like this before. i have felt this angst and mistrust and anger and fear... but never this strong.

i've mostly only had these on-off feelings since the month before the summer holidays. maybe i don't have many things to occupy myself with. and i cancel this longing for separation when i realise i will have less to occupy myself when you're gone, making me miss you even more. i just can't handle this. i feel i have nothing to live for and that i'm suffering constantly. i can't recall a single moment in my short life when i was truly happy. ever.

i know my 18th birthday is coming up in less than two weeks. all i really want is a fresh start, a new life where i forget everything from this life and am reborn anew. i don't have any hope in this life. i know writing all this has made me seem selfish, but i really had to voice this before it's too late and i do something stupid without letting anyone know what the hell is going on.